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Introducing Mark Cutts - Matt Cutts' redemptive little 'bro...

Mark Cutts - Matt Cutts' redemptive little 'bro. Perhaps think of him as Google's Messiah...

Mark Cutts - Matt Cutts' redemptive little 'bro. Perhaps think of him as Google's Messiah...

I have a dorky little secret. I've spent way too much time this Winter geeking out over Matt Cutts* videos. (Admittedly, this late-night sport has kind of lost its appeal, with my being a little underwhelmed by Google of late.) Recently though, I was watching Mark Ruffalo being interviewed on TV – and I couldn't help but notice an uncanny resemblance between him and Matt Cutts. It's almost like they were separated at birth.  Which got me thinking… What if Mark Ruffalo could somehow morph into Matt Cutts?

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Let’s set the record straight. There’s certainly nothing wrong with Matt Cutts. In fact, one could say that he is extremely charming, even when he talks to me through my computer screen like I'm a six-year-old with Attention Deficit Disorder. All that goofiness takes me back to being a child watching Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street.  Frankly, it would certainly be hard to dislike the man. And he's handsome and huggy in a geeky kind of way.

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Redemption for Google

What if Matt Cutts morphed into Mark Ruffalo? With all due respect to Matt, this would kind of put things on steroids. Truly, just think of the consequences for Google. The sheer REDEMPTION.  (Not to mention all the extra page views - which brings me to crazy thoughts about advertising... but Google would never be into that.)

Think of all the females that would sign up to be SEOs. It would be pandemonium.  (Please, no jokes about Pandas. We’re tired.)

If Google could morph Mark Ruffalo into Matt Cutts, the combined charm would give Google a darn good crack at redeeming themselves - by giving a little something back. Okay, Google Authorship was genuinely pretty fabulous, once we spent  weeks working it out, which, when considered optimistically, is a hell of a lot quicker than the time it takes to wait for a Google postcard.

But this would be different.

Googoo talk

This would be modern day romance. Just like falling in love, where temporary insanity sets in and our BS detector has the power chord passionately ripped from the wall,  we would have Mark Cutts, metaphorically holding our hand, seducing us through the screen with his Googoo talk, (that’s the modern day bit)  gently turning us to putty whilst we suck in the spin.

 “Baby, stop crying into your keyboard, we took those keywords away from you as we care deeply about the security of the world”

“Sure Mark, no problem. I understand…”

“And the author rank thing, we’re keeping you guessing about when this might eventuate because frankly, we don’t have a clue either…” (Well, that bit would be true)

“Of course you don’t. That’s fine.”

“And I'm sorry that we kept changing the rules about domain names and anchor text and linking and, well, a whole bunch of stuff, but we were just trying to make things interesting. Besides, I thought you liked dancing on your toes. Look, I wish I could make it different for you but…

 {CLOSE UP: Zoom to big, brown puppy dog eyes}

…then you’d  just get on and ACTUALLY DO YOUR JOB and you wouldn’t spend as much time looking at me. I’d miss you, baby.”

(Sigh) “Yeah, I guess so. I’d miss you too, Marky.”

“Great. That’s good to hear.  ‘Cause I can’t wait to tell you about Google’s new roll-out for 2014. It’s called W*nkerank. Man, it’s gonna be a blast.”

 

*Who is Matt Cutts?

For those of you that don't know who Matt Cutts is,  he's head of the Webspam team at Google. For many, he is likened to the 'face' of Google, due to his regular video blogs,  where he gives tips and tells us all about the thrust of some of the major algorithmic updates - along with cute little anecdotes, (such as his cat Mimi's fondness for wool) all  in language simple enough for a sheep with a learning disability to understand. Seriously though,  I think he's adorable!

Author: Abi White